Star Wars information part 2

Hello friends,

I am continuing to tell you about Star Wars.

Sorry I didn't do a email last week, I am pretty sure that's not a big deal but for some reason I feel like one of you guys will kill me with a hammer at my house if I don't do this every week. Basically I was kissing and that's pretty cool. Anyways I think these ones might be like every other week because they take a long time to write and my brain is hot as hell lately. These are pretty long so I think that's probably okay. Now let's talk about the Star Wars Star Befores!!

The build up to the first Star Befores movie was unlike anything I have ever experienced before or since. Every single store I went to - and this is where I grew up in Toilet Town, Nowhere - had a massive display of every single product that could possibly be to do with this movie and more products were to do with this movie than anything ever. It was like a new religion had been announced with a thousand different gods each of whom was equally important to know about so they are putting them on Pepsi cans to make sure you can learn their names and yes I had a big collection of all the Pepsi cans. Then the movie came out and it turned out almost none of these guys were iconic in the way of, say, Chewbacca and Ronald D2. The next time one came out I looked for the Big Displays and there were some, but not as much, and I understood then that I had a experienced a miracle and you can’t count on those. There will never be another day where every school child in America has an image of Sebulba somewhere in their home. Even when there is much to do about Star Warms these days it’s nothing like it was, it can never be so sincere as Pizza Hut excitedly offering you a commemorative soda cup with an image of Nute Gunray on it in case that is someone who everyone in the world will love soon. There has now been much post mortem and re-evaluation of the Star Befores which I think has moved the dial from These Sucked Super Bad to these are insane in a way that is amazing, which I wouldn’t totally disagree with but I think the gold standard of these movies is they should be a movie you can take your mom to and your mom has fun instead of just being glad that you had fun, which is a bar these are not at all interested in clearing. Feature for some, bug for others, like the Cenobites. Anyways here’s what happens there:

STAR WARMS 4: STAR BEFORES 1: THE LIFE AND DEATH OF QUI-GON JINN

Okay so there’s these guys called the Trade Federation who are frog men with what you might call super racist accents!! For some reason a lot of the aliens got Something Racial Going On which is jarring because the old ones didn’t really have that and the ones after this don’t really have that because one of America’s main notes on this movie was don’t do that please. Please don’t make the nefarious frog guys sort of chinese, we want to have fun at the Star War. Anyway the Trade Federation wants to invade the planet Naboo and put Queen Amanda in a cage. Luckily Qui-Gon Jinn, the most wonderful man, and his boy ward Obi Wan Kenobi are here on behalf of the Jedi, which are the galaxy’s laser sword using religious wizard police. I know the questions on your mind:

Isn’t Obi Wan Kenobi an old man who turned into clothes? These, my friend, are the Star BEFORES so right now he is a young man who has a rat tail haircut for religion reasons.

Laser sword wielding space police? Is this just a rip off of Space Sheriff Gavan? And the answer is no, it’s a big coincidence that Space Sheriff Gavan, a perfect TV show available to watch free on Tubi, has a laser sword and fights for justice in outer space.

Qui-Gon Jinn is a wonderful man who looks like a drawing of Jesus Christ and uses his green laser sword to cut through doors and rescue Queen Amanda from the battle droids that the Trade Federation uses instead of alive people soldiers. The thing about the battle droids is they are so cute. They look like flamingos made of old wooden chairs and I love them. But it’s Qui-Gon Jinn’s job to kill them and I respect that! They are there to meet with the Trade Federation and tell them to be nice and they’re like we’ll be nice to you pal: nicely poison you with gas!!! They escape to Naboo Planet and immediately save Jar Jar Binks from being Smooshed.

What can be said about Jar Jar Binks? When you are a child you see this skinny pink frog man and you think ok, he is silly and he is my friend. He is a big silly outer space frog man let’s have a fun day with him you think, and then you hear there is something Bad about him which turns out to be racist stereotypes? And the guy who played him has been like no that wasn’t the deal at all and a lot of other people have been like oh for suuuuure dude. But also people who just thought Jar Jar Binks was annoying have been like showing up at that guy’s house level mean about it so maybe just let him have this one. There was a big push within the announcement of Star Befores as the new religion that Jar Jar Binks was a main god, heavily merchandised. I put on a shirt with his face after that time I drowned to death as a kid so I associate him with defeating death. Everyone in the world loved and hated him and he was on the cover of Rolling Stone. He speaks a form of broken English that does not help with the Allegations. Something that is true and from reality is that Michael Jackson really, really wanted to play Jar Jar Binks but wanted to do it with prosthetics but George Lucas said no, Jar Jar will be created using Cyber.

Anyways he’s like wow you saved my life, I Am Permanently Your Servant and George Lucas is smiling and saying just like Chewbacca it’s a Chewbacca thing my wife is black ITS JUST SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE CHEWBACCA OKAY? Qui Gon Jinn is like oh jeez this guy is pretty silly huh, guess we gotta follow him to his city so he can help us escape the Trade Federation and look, is his city racially segregated from the rest of Naboo, yeah but maybe that was also Chewbacca’s deal and we just didn’t know because he talked by roaring. Anyways they go to his beautiful underwater city and all the other Jar Jars Binks are like we don’t like how you aren’t frogs but I guess we will help you and they escape the planet with Queen Amanda. Now there’s a thing where Queen Amanda has like beautiful face paint on, right? And they do a thing where she switches out with her handmaiden and she’s like oh I’m not the amazing Queen Amanda I’m just Pamela but really her name is Pamela Amanda and the thing with that is that I genuinely cannot remember why it happens or what function it serves in the story but for a while she isn’t wearing her outer space geisha make-up and looking around like wow you guys don’t even know I’m Queen Amanda...I’m tricking you so fucking bad right now. Anyways they get shot at by the frog men and have to get saved by Ronald D2 doing something outside the ship. They make an emergency landing on Planet Tattoo, the shittiest desert planet in the universe. I WONDER WHO LIVES THERE?????????????? Also meanwhile there’s been a thing where a young version of Old Man Lightning is telling an amazing looking devil man called Darth Mall (no relation) to go kill them and he’s also secretly bossing the frogs around.

They go to the nearest town to get replacement spaceship parts and, as you do, they meet Watto. Watto is another alien who is weird for racial reasons because he is essentially like a bizarre anti-semitic caricature who is like a little flying guy with a huge nose who lives only for money and owns a junk shop and has slaves. Now that’s not good, that’s not good they did that, BUT the funniest thing to come out of that was George Lucas responding to people saying Watto is anti-semitic by going “what? No, he’s supposed to be italian.” Which is so funny to be like oh guys no you totally misinterpreted which guys I was doin racism on. Anyways they meet Watto and his genius child slave Anakin Skywalter. Anakin Skywalter looooooves making gadgets and he’s even building Golden Oscar except right now he doesn’t have any of his gold pieces so he’s just a nude pile of wires. Ronald D2 is with them and they meet and fall in love, it’s very sweet. Qui-Gon Jinn tries to buy the spaceship parts and Watto is like no your money is bullshit to me I love only golden coins. Qui-Gon Jinn is like hmm this is a problem but then he smells Anakin Skywalter and this boy, lemme tell ya, he’s got the stink of a wizard on him and Qui-Gon can tell. He’s like okay Watto, you love gambling right? And he’s like of course I do I’m italian as is clear to anyone watching so Qui-Gon plays dice with him to get him to agree to a bet on a drag race Anakin is participating in and if he wins???? Qui-Gon gets space ship parts AND the boy. Qui-Gon talks to Anakin’s mom and he’s like look I smelled your son and I think he might be the most powerful wizard of all time so I am taking him away from you provided he wins his drag race which he will because he is essentially a God. She takes it in stride and tells him all about how she gave birth to him without ever doing sex, she makes it clear there has never been a time in her life where someone loved her even for just one night. Meanwhile Anakin is running game on Pamela like hey are you an angel? Because I’m dying to meet you girl and she’s like oh my God you’re so charming. Come live in my castle if you don’t get sold to the wizards.

Anakin wins his drag race of course, it’s a big scene and quite long but what happens is that there is Sebulba and his body is crazy like his legs are his arms and his arms are his legs and everyone LOVES him! Sebulba is HOT SHIT and they want Anakin to fucking die for the way his arms and legs are arranged and daring to challenge Sebulba. But he completely kicks Sebulba’s ass and gets to be free and he’s like wow I can’t wait for me and my mom to be free and Qui-Gon Jinn is like welllllllllll here’s the thing is your mom is still very much a slave and realistically Watto’s probably going to be meaner than ever now that you’re not around. Anyways I’m taking you to learn to be a wizard, which you’re actually maybe way too old for we usually only take babies. I’m taking you from your mom to meet a bunch of old guys who might be pissed off at you just for coming into the room, also I overheard Watto shopping for what he described as an “extra cruel whip.” Then Darth Mall shows up and tries to kill everybody with his laser sword that turns into a laser bo staff but they fight him off. Obi-Wan Kenobi meanwhile is like wait so does this mean Anakin is going to sleep in my room whats the deal I don’t want to share my toys with this kid.

They arrive at Planet Chicago to meet the other wizards at the Jedi Council and guess whose there!!! It’s Yoda!!! This is before his Choices made it necessary for him to live in the swamp. Him and the other wizards like Mace Windu and Kit Fisto and Hologram Jones and Plo Koon and Delicioso Mint and Adi Galia and Slippi Hera and Yarael Poof and Twobacca and of course Yaddle look at Small Anakin and they are like he sucks. Why isn’t he a baby. And Qui-Gon Jinn is like listen up I got attacked by a Devil on Planet Tattoos and if you’ll simply SMELL THE BOY FOR GOD’S SAKE you’ll be able to tell he is some kind of angel or God and more powerful than us all. And Yoda is like look, pungent the boy is but so old, so disgustingly old, throw him in the garbage and Qui-Gon is like fine I’ll raise the godling myself. Then he gets sent to help Queen Amanda with how the frogs are trying to murder everybody on her planet and Obi-Wan keeps making eye contact with Anakin and pointing at trash cans while nodding like that’s where you’re going little man Qui-Gon Jinn loves ME the most because I’m pretending not to be scottish.

On Naboo Planet they go to the other Jar-Jars and tell them we need your help killing all the robots and frogs, not the you guys frogs the other ones, and maybe after we do that we can all just be some friends for once? And Boss Nass the mayor of the Jar Jars is like no way but then Pamela Amanda is like actually I’m the real Queen Amanda and that other girl was just dressed up as me and for some reason then he’s like ok absolutely we’re doing it I’ll fucking die for you. Also there’s a thing where Old Man Lightning is a Senator instead of the king of evil and Pamela Amanda is like iunno about this Senator Lightning I think he sucks a little, not so much I suspect him of being a Devil but I don’t want to hang out with him.

Anyways the Jar-Jars all fight the cute robots and Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon go up to do a plan or something while the robots are distracted but Darth Mall comes up and is like on behalf of Evil I will stop you from doing a Plan. Meanwhile Anakin steals a little yellow spaceship and shoots guns in a way that’s really helpful to the plan and Ronald D2 is there all saying mon cherie you is blasting dem capitalist peegs back to the hell they was born from. That’s all fun but then it is the tragedy when Darth Mall stabs Qui-Gon Jinn to death. Obi-Wan freaks out and cuts him in half and throws him in a hole, which is correct. That’s what you do if someone hurts Qui-Gon Jinn, you throw them in the hole in two pieces. Qui-Gon Jinn is like Obi Wan you have to raise Young God for me, you have to be mother and father both to the god child and even the smallest thing you do wrong could doom untold trillions anyways good night I love you.

I think Queen Amanda hits a button or something and the Capitalism Frogs are all sent to the Hague? Obi-Wan goes to Yoda and is like it was Qui-Gon’s only wish that I raise Anakin Skywalter to be a wizard cop that will eventually become God. And Yoda is like look hate old boys for a reason we do, all fucked up this is going to get. But sure whatever do it. So Obi-Wan gives him a religion haircut and they light Qui-Gon Jinn on fire together to cement that they are now Brothers but also Obi-Wan Gets Qui-Gon’s Room Now. On Naboo Planet they hold a big party to commemorate Nute Gunray’s crucifixion and meanwhile Senator Lightning is looking Anakin up and down like hmmmm I could yell at you for the rest of my life.

Anyway thats the first Star Befores. Confused??? So was EVERYBODY!!! ANYWAYS here’s the next one.

STAR WARS 5: STAR BEFORES 2: THE SEDUCTION OF SENATOR AMANDA

Alright so smash cut to ten years later, Anakin Skywalter is Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Jedi intern and and Obi-Wan Kenobi has a beard now and it looks great on him. Even though this is the nicest status quo these guys could hope for, its not all peaches and screams because the evil Count Dracula is raising an army and trying to get everyone to leave the Republic of Galaxy. It’s unclear why that would be good for them, maybe they are just scared of Dracula?

ANYWAYS someone tries to kill Senator Amanda and our Wizard Brothers are sent to find the assassin. They chase the assassin who is like a shape shifter and maybe a lizard through the bustling nightlife of Planet Chicago where someone tries to sell Obi-Wan Kenobi cigarettes and it makes him so mad he hypnotizes him into hating cigarettes. Anyways they are chasing and chasing this woman/lizard? but then a silver Kamen Rider kills her with a dart. The Wizard Brothers split up, Obi-Wan Kenobi is going to fight the jetpack Kamen Rider and Anakin Skywalter is going to protect Senator Amanda which obviously makes him so horny he wants to die, but there’s a Wrinkle: it is against the Jedi Code to fuck down nasty style. “Evil, fucking makes you,” Yoda explains.

Obi-Wan goes to a 50s diner operated by an awesome guy named Dexter Jettster who has four arms and makes hamburgers for everybody. He tells Obi-Wan Kenobi, you gotta go to Planet Neck to find the Silver Kamen Rider. Meanwhile Anakin and Pamela Amanda are just like running around a field of flowers being like “do you think I am cute ? I think you are Cute :)” but then she’s like we can’t do this, I’m a Senator and you’re a wizard and he’s like actually it’s illegal for me to fuck anyways...but I want to do it so bad. I want to bite you on the ass - WAIT A MINUTE I’M GETTING A VISION THAT MY MOTHER IS IN PERIL COME WITH ME TO PLANET TATTOO.

Meanwhile Obi-Wan goes to Planet Neck and the Neckmasters welcome him like oh hey you’re a Jedi we have that army you asked us to make. They’re all paid for and everything when do you want them to wage a bloody and terrible crusade across known space? And he’s like whaaaaaaaat. And they’re like yeah Jedi Master Realio Actualguy came here with Kamen Rider Jango and said do me a million of this guy he just wants to be paid in Son he’s over there eating lunch and loving his son so much. Obi Wan runs after him like I’m gonna kill you in front of your son you silver bitch and they have a cool fight in the rain. Then all the clones run up to Obi Wan like are you our papa will you love us like they promised papa but he flies off.

The two young lovers go to Planet Tattoo while clearly trying to figure out if there’s a version of mormon Soaking for wizard cops. They run into Watto and he’s like ANAKIN! My beloved old friend who I know for a regular reason how have you BEEN dog!! And Anakin is like where is my mother you horrible Italian man, what are you doing to her and he’s like oh yeah I actually sold her off and she got married she’s like fine now, shes just like a regular non slave lady. I actually owe her some money we play cards sometimes. So Anakin goes to meet his stepdad and I think his stepdad is dead but guess where he is!! It’s the moisture farm from Star Wars 1! Wow!!!! Anyways they tell him that his mom has been taken away by the sand masters, who are like a bunch of guys who wear scary masks and are nebulously trouble makers. They’re torturing her big time, for some reason. My recollection is he goes there and murders everyone other than his mom and his mom is like a big pulsating mass of wounds and he’s like mama it’s me Anakin the wizard boy and she’s like “who?” and then her head falls off and he kills even more sand masters and then he’s like Pamela I killed them. I killed the sand masters and all their babies and she’s like “so were we still going to figure out if Jedi can do hand stuff orrrrrr” Also C3PO is there and he’s like im sorry for your loss can I come live with you? No one likes me here because you made me British and fussy. Why did you as a little boy design a really fussy robot and then abandon me. Why did you introduce me to Ronald D2 and take him away

Then it is the part of the movie where they go to Planet Kenosha which is also a desert place but not the one we were at before. I think Dracula kidnapped Obi-Wan? I remember Dracula has somebody tied up and he’s like I know everyone thinks of me as a beautiful retired Jedi who went into politics, that’s what my deal was for if you weren’t paying attention earlier in the movie, but really I’m a Sith Devil and my name is Darth Tyrannus, a name that is too cool to actually say on screen that often. Everyone will get too excited and throw popcorn all over the place if you say Darth Tyrannus in the movie a lot. Anyways I am doing my politics thing from earlier in the movie, the part that’s impossible to remember where Jar Jar Binks is a congressman now, to advance the cause of Devils. Do you want to see my hologram of the Evil Planet that blows up other planets? It’s just a sketch. It’s just an idea I have right now but I think it could be really horrible for your friend’s daughter, if he ever has one. And Obi-Wan is like where is Kamen Rider Jango I need to slaughter him like an animal. He says it in a charming way though.

Obi-Wan and Anakin and Pamela are tied up in the coliseum so monsters can eat them and Obi-Wan is like “did you guys fuck I will be so mad, I promised our adoptive father Qui-Gon Jinn I would never let you fuck” and they’re like “no but we’re GONNA” and he’s like “well, since we’re going to get eaten by monsters you have permission if you can reach each other, we’re definitely going to die so it’s not a big deal that I’m giving you permission - WAIT IS THAT EVERYONE WE EVER MET?” and then yeah a helicopter comes down full of jedi and 1 million clone men who want to save Obi-Wan Kenobi because they imprinted on him as their parent, which is reasonable. If nobody ever loved you in your whole life and Ewan MacGregor gave you a kind smile you’d be like HOW do I get more of that, WHO do I kill. All the Jedi heavy hitters are there: Mace Windu, Kit Fisto, Beverly Crusher, Ki Adi Mundi, Don Momotaro, Aayla Secura, Gonzo the Great, Shaak Ti, Watto’s daughter Pizzabella, and even little Mr. Yoda! Everyone says Mr. Yoda you can’t be here you are too small and cute, you are the cutest version of Yoda we are ever going to know about. And he winks at them and sends many Temeura Morrisons to free our heroes, which Obi-Wan is pissed about because he knows he’s accidentally given them permission to do raw dog crazy style.

All the Jedi and clone men fight monsters and robots and Obi-Wan is hunting Kamen Rider Jango like a dog but then Mace Windu chops Jango’s head off and tosses it to his son like “maybe if you throw the garbage meat out of this helmet you’ll have a cool outfit to wear after puberty.” Obi-Wan is devastated he doesn’t get to rip Jango’s spine out and hit him in the face with it but it works out okay because now the clone men like him more than Mace Windu and if that hadn’t happened it definitely would have swung the other way. You can’t forget watching a guy kill a guy whose physically identical to you, even if he had his reasons.

Dracula is trying to run away because his plan to feed people to monsters went so bad but then Yoda shows up and he’s making a big show of coughing and asking for help crossing the street but then he’s like PSYCH!!! I’M COMPLETELY AMAZING AT FIGHTING! He’s doing crazy flips and blasting him with hand lightning and he slices his fingers and toes off but I think he gets away by turning into a bat. Also a monster ate Anakin’s arm but I don’t know when. Also there was a part where Congressman Jar Jar Binks gives President Lightning special authority “under the condition he never becomes evil.”

Back on Planet Naboo, Anakin gets a new robot arm and marries Pamela Amanda and they fuck down nasty style in front of C3PO and Ronald D2 and they’re like “can we go play a board game” and Pamela is like “YOU ARE HERE TO FILM US, NEVER FORGET THAT YOU ARE OBJECTS AND NOBODY WANTS YOU TO HAVE RIGHTS” and then her and Anakin both laugh while they pour beers on them, which is established to “hurt one hundred times more than being lit on fire” for robots.

Okay one last Star Before.

STAR WARS 6: STAR BEFORES 3: DARTH VADERS IN THIS ONE

Ok it’s been awhile and a whole cartoon happened that in the future you will be expected to know all about. Anakin has long hair now and him and Obi-Wan are constantly fighting wars with the clone men and they have a really fun time killing Dracula, who begs pitifully for his life and I think they kind of toy with him like cutting off one of his hands and going “okay that’s enough we’ll let you go now” and them he stands up and cries and thanks them and then they kick him in the stomach and say “I THINK WE’RE GONNA NEED THAT OTHER HAND, OLD MAN!” and then they laugh and crack open space beers (you know the one) and dump them on his head. President Lightning is there and he’s like you should cut his head off before he tries to say a crazy lie about me and they’re like “of course” and decapitate him. President Lightning picks up the head and throws it in the garbage, which he says is where “anyone who isn’t young and supple like us belongs.”

Anakin goes to Planet Chicago to visit his secret wife, Senator Pamela Amanda, and she’s like Hi Anakin, I love you so much :) and he’s like hi Pamela, I love you so much :) and she’s like Anakin you got me pregnant, from doing it :) and he’s like that’s so great I love you :) and she’s like me too I also love you :). C3PO is also there, watching. But secretly Anakin is freaked out because it’s illegal for him to fuck, much less fuck down raw dog style and he has nightmares but then President Lightning is like I’ve decided you’re my main guy now. I’m taking you under my wing because we’re two cool, young guys who are both Good. President Lightning starts insisting they hang out all the time and he’s like hey have you ever noticed that the Jedi suck...have you ever noticed that they are fucking nerds and don’t do anything cool even though they have Wizard’s Ability. Maybe it’s much cooler to be a Sith Devil, he suggests but Anakin is like hey wait a minute Sith Devils are bad guys for sure. I’m never supposed to like Sith Devils or think they are cool. And President Lightning makes him take a pull off his weed pen and starts blowing his mind by saying actually the good guys are the bad guys and the bad guys are the good guys. Did you ever hear the story of Darth Plagues the wise? The Jedi would never tell you about a guy that cool and Anakin is like what no I probably just forgot, i’m allowed to hear cool stories. President Lightning is like well back when the Devils were on top there was a guy named Darth Plagues who was so amazing at being evil that he could scream at dead people to be alive again and they’d do it and Anakin is like wait a minute, I’m terrified a pregnant lady I know, who got busted in raw dog style by an unknown person, could die and also the babies who are probably also nice. And I could yell at her to be alive? If I do evil devil  behaviors? And President Lightning is like MAYBE, the thing is that SOMEBODY killed Darth Plagues for being old and disgusting ;) hahaha but maybe you could figure it out since he did. Young studs like us with their whole lives ahead of them can do anything.

Meanwhile Obi Wan finds General Grevious who is a six arm cyborg man who is also a sith Devil and has six lightsabers and he’s like I’m going to kill you Obi-Wan Kenobi and Obi-Wan and the audience are like okay you’re very cool but also literally who are you and General Grevious is like our famous rivalry is finally at an end, we both knew this day has been coming since the beginning baby. Obi-Wan then rips all his arms and legs off and beats him with them and General Grevious is like “I’ll tell you the secret evil plan if you let me live” and Obi-Wan is like “I don’t care, give me your pain. I’m not allowed to have sex but I’m allowed to do this.” Then he pours boiling hot oil into his organs and he dies begging for mercy. Obi-Wan calls Mace Windu to let him know the war is over because he tortured this guy to death and Mace Windu is like that rocks I’m going to go tell President Lightning to give up the huge army he’s amassed, which I assume he’ll do gladly because despite seeming cool due to being Samuel L. Jackson he is basically a when they go low we go high type dummy. Dr. Windu hangs up the phone and Anakin comes into his office to tell him okay I went to the opera with President Lightning and he pretty much told me he’s the King of the Sith Devils? And he’s like shit. Shit. God damn it. Fuck. Piss. Crap. Fuck me. We have to go arrest him, he’ll still respect the rule of law I’m sure.

They show up at his office and he’s like that’s right I’m Darth Sinsational and I’m the king of devils! Who wants to be evil with me NOT KI ADI MUNDI HES OLD AS FUCK. So he starts killing everybody but then Mace Windu zaps him and he becomes incredibly old looking instantly so naturally he throws Mace Windu out the window to die. They kind of have him on the ropes but then he says “Anakin had sex! He had sex and got a lady pregnant!” and so they all start fighting him and Anakin is like oh no I have to be evil. I have to be soooo evil and he chops all their heads off while sighing really loudly. President Lightning tells him that his new name is Darth Vader and he’s like okay that is actually pretty cool and then President Lightning is like I want to watch you cut a bunch of little kids’ heads off while I make all the Temuera Morrisons kill the grown up Jedi. Darth Vader sighs because he basically just wanted to kiss his wife but now he’s going to have to stab a lightsaber through a bunch of screaming children, which sucks. That’s so different from kissing in basically every way. But he does do it, and while he’s cutting little kids arms and legs and heads off we see all the adult Jedi like Kit Fisto, Stass Allie, Blip Jorf, Jaro Tapal, Hinku Stinku, Ki Adi Mundi, Gorp Raysun, and of course Yaddle being crucified by the Temuera Morrisons who got brainwashed and are totally crying while they do it. They hate crucifying their friends, like any of us would.

Then President Lightning goes to Galaxy Senate to say “okay the Jedi are evil, they made me look old even though we ALL know I am young and hot so we are killing all their asses and doing a Galaxy Empire and getting fascist with it babyyy!” Everybody applauds and for some reason ET is there and Pamela Amanda is like I can’t believe everyone is cheering for the end of Liberty in a moment that felt maybe a little on the nose in cinemas at the time but now you’re like shit it kind of went down like that huh. Shes like I hope my husband Anakin Skywalter doesn’t have a weird new name and didn’t cut any kids’ heads off. If there’s anything expectant mothers are typically looking for from the father of their children it’s no experience beheading children because if the baby starts acting bad he’s gonna know in the back of his head, well, I could just chop their head off. Then I think Yoda calls Obi-Wan to tell him “hiding out, I am, acting crazy, your boy is, go fight him on Lava Planet.”

So Obi-Wan takes the heavily pregnant Pamela Amanda with him to Lava Planet where Anakin is running around shouting about how he loves being a devil and he’s like what the hell why are you two together. Are you two fucking now that I’m a devil?! And C3PO is also there, unsure of what he could possibly add to what’s going on. Anakin starts choking her which is so rude and she passes out and Obi-Wan is like what the hell! You are so evil now! Choking your wife is insanely evil to do! And he’s like I’m choking her NOW so I can make sure she lives forever LATER, I learned all about it at the opera! So they start dueling big time on Lava Planet for like 45 minutes and an exciting song plays but eventually Obi-Wan, even though it makes him cry so much to do it, chops Anakin’s legs and remaining arm off and starts hitting him with them and shouting “you were supposed to be God! Qui-Gon Jinn promised!” and he’s like “I am, I’m just Evil God aka the devil!” and Obi-Wan is like “this suuuuuuuuuuucks!” and then pours lava on Anakin’s scalp and stomps on his penis and spits on all his wounds and flies away on spaceship because he remembered the badly choked pregnant lady prolly needs to go to the hospital. Anakin is all rolling around as an immobilized Pain Man when I think an evil robot saves him.

So at the hospital the doctor robots are like okay Pamela Amanda is giving birth but she keeps saying “I’m so fucking sad, I hope my head falls off and I hope it happens soon” and Obi-Wan is like well I don’t think that can happen and then she gives birth to twins and says “okay their names are Look and Leia, you can throw my head in the garbage now” and then her head falls off and Obi-Wan is like, this is the worst birthday I ever had. Yoda summons him and says fucked up so bad I did, ignored how obviously evil a lot of guys were I did. Luckily friends with Chewbacca I am, helped me escape he did and you’re like what? Chewbacca was in this movie? And Yoda looks into the camera and says yes, in this movie Chewbacca was. Take the babies to different planets you must, one will be poor and the other extravagantly rich and Obi-Wan is like why’s that part of it and he’s like GET TO DO ONE MORE WEIRD THING I DO. Then Qui-Gon Jinn’s ghost is like yooooooooo what up. Sorry I made you raise that kid. I honestly thought it was going to go super different from this.

So Obi-Wan and Yoda go to live in shameful exile and all their friends are dead, that’s sad for them. Meanwhile Anakin is at the evil hospital and his body is all broken and melted and Old Man Lightning is clearly upset because he’s no longer beautiful but he’s still young so at least there’s that, he wakes up and is like where’s my body and he’s like well that’s chopped off but I built you an honestly very cool new cyborg body and an evil red laser sword and he seals him up inside the robot armor and now he has a completely different voice because of robot. So he’s like alright I’m the samurai of hell now, I hope my wife and I are able to move past this obstacle and Old Man Lightning is like oh you murdered her really bad, she was sad the whole time you were murdering her. So he’s like alright, got it, we’ll use Devil Powers to bring her back to life and Old Man Lightning is like what are you talking about I never said we could do that. You sound stupid and crazy right now, anyways you’re the main boss of the evil army now in case you have any incalculable pain you’d like to take out on the galaxy.

Then they show Pamela Amanda’s funeral and Jar Jar Binks is there looking just devastated and Obi-Wan is living in a hole due to shame and Darth Vader is walking around his spaceship and we see they are building his Evil Planet and he’s like well, guess I got this to look forward to. This won’t get blown up like everything else I ever cared about. Also C3PO got conked on the noggin forgot all of his whole life.

Wow! Sad ending for those guys. That was the end of Star Wars, forever. Right?????? We’ll find out later!

Thank you for reading my big Star Wars email! If you would like to find out about something, tell me and I will try to already know about it.

Love,

Ryland Duncan