Hello friends,
I am telling you about Sofa
Reader Danny J wanted to know about the Sofa.
Don’t get afraid or start stress puking: a sofa is the same thing as a couch. Basically we've got chairs, right? They're a piece of furniture with four legs and a seat and a bit on the back. Where Couch improves upon Chair is it’s a lot wider and often very soft with big ole cushions upon it. It lets you lounge in a way that Chair never could have countenanced before she came onto the scene. And NOW Chair will be such as a recliner, with the same kind of fluffiness as Couch, but we both know if Chair had its druthers we would all be sitting bolt upright, working on pipe bombs to send to bed manufacturers. In this way, couch saves us.
When did couch originally happen? I think probably before the french revolution but after Jesus. I can imagine Marie Antoinette sitting on one but I think if Jesus saw one he'd be like how long is the ass of the person this chair is for. They were probably just for little lords and the like until we briefly got serious about not doing kings anymore, the first peasant to sit on one was probably all nervous like a shelter dog who expects you to do cruelty to them but I'm sure this was soon overcome, it’s a very inviting piece of furniture. Now anybody, even freakazoids and slimers, can have a couch without running afoul of King John or his flunkies. Of course couches back then were not quite as huge and beautiful as the ones we know today, you don't think about it but there have been a lot of innovations in softness technology since powdered wig times. If you sat on a history couch you'd probably die, and if they sat on one of ours they'd die too but smiling way more.
In my experience a couch is something you inherit from friends who are moving or that you find outside. I have been to stores that sell couches but they seem ridiculous because they would have you thinking a couch costs like $800? This is plainly ridiculous, if I can get something by foraging, you've got no business charging a prince's lunch for it. But when am I listened to, eh? So these Raymours and their corresponding Flanagans bilk the public for what is already theirs by divine right. I'm not saying we need to have an armed uprising. I'm not saying we should march into Ashley Furniture and make it clear that the people's day of rest will come no matter how many have to die. I'm just saying we shouldn't let the big couch companies like Couch Industries and Consolidated Sofa feel too comfortable taking advantage of our love of sitting around. Like so many drunk fathers in our nation let us warn them: do not make us get up.
Anyways heres some kinds of couches:
NORMALEST COUCH IN THE WORLD
My friend Lucy has this, it's kind of brick color, three cushion for three friends, the back is tall enough you don't have to think about it, arm rests on the sides. It's comfortable enough you like sitting down on it! A couch does not have to be a complicated situation at all.
SQUAT SCRATCHO
This is a couch that is low to the ground and has that scratchy kind of fabric couches have sometimes? You mostly run into these places you're not supposed to stay very long but sometimes people will have them in their houses perhaps because they did not have another option. If you had other options and chose this, holy crow, what are you like!
COUCH BED
Don't get thrilled out of your gourd imagining a couch that is both so wide and so long you could sleep on it like a bed, this is a way weirder situation. Basically a lot of couches have a secret inside them where you can take the cushions off and pull what is technically a bed out. These are all united by being very uncomfortable, pretty close to the opposite of the couch itself. Maybe you are thinking Ryland, perhaps you have just had bad luck, but I have slept on these many places and in the homes of rich and poor alike a pull out sofa bed is designed to injure you as you sleep. Like maybe if you are at a level of rich where you are still texting Ghislaine Maxwell (but just memes, not about her mess she got into) maybe then you can get a couch that turns into a comfortable bed but at that point wouldn't you just have an extra bedroom.
FUTON
As there is Another Agito, this is Another Couch Bed. Coming to it from a different angle though where instead of pulling it out you just push this down and it's bed and then pull it up to be couch. Theoretically I think you could get a futon mattress for this that is comfortable enough to be worthwhile but I don't think anyone's ever done it? As with the imagined friend of Big Ghis I made up I think when you are rich you probably just buy lots of nice stuff instead of figuring out how to have a nice version of stuff that kind of sucks.
LOVESEAT
The rule of most couches is to make room for at least three people, but on a love seat there is but two cushions - the perfect situation for lovers! On a regular couch some Interrupting Irving could slide between you two and ask all kinds of questions about airplanes (how fast do you think they are? Do they have minds? What do they eat? Etc) but on this special couch you and your lover are free to hold hands and Gaze into one another. You can sit on one of these with someone you don't want to kiss but its sort of a waste. Someone worked hard to build that, you know? They expected some hand stuff to go down.
IKEA SITUATION
Yes, we know, it always has a name like Klorngus, anyways these basically top out at being decently comfortable? So most likely unless you are the Big Spender of IKEA you are going to buy a couch that sucks a little but also you have to build it yourself. I guess couches from other place also have an element of assembly but I think that is horse shit. If you buy a couch and it comes in more than one piece those pieces ought to snap together basically instantly like furniture legos, if you give me an allen wrench I am going to politely but furiously insist that you GET REAL. Sorry if you like love assembling furniture, that's great for you but when I buy something quite expensive that exists for the purposes of lounging the dignity of having sweat upon my brow is basically the furthest thing from my mind.
ANTIQUE-Y COUCH
This does not have to be old at all, although it can be, but it does have to look like something that you could put in such as Versailles in a movie to make sure people understand how much powder is going to be on everybody. The thing about these is they are often beautiful and sitting on them you pretty quickly understand why we started making less beautiful couches. I guess everyone I have known who owned one of these had kind of elven proportions so if that's your situation its prolly fine?Congratulations slenderonis: another thing is for you!
SECTIONAL
WHAT a special kind of couch! Where other couches are just like a segment of couch, a loaf of it, a sectional is shaped like a corner and goes out in two directions, or even more if you're going turbo fancy. Some sectionals just have like, the left side goes out four more feet, this is called a Fool's Sectional. A real deal sectional should feel like two or three couches, it should feel like you won the lottery.
TRICKED OUT
Something that exists for people with very many dollars and really specific ideas about being alive is couches with Features in them. It starts off fairly demure like a couch with USB ports so you can plug your phone in or a couch with some cupholders yes? But it goes up. Maybe it has reclining seats, and maybe those reclining seats have lighting in them like an illegal race car, and maybe when you put the seat up there is a little refrigerator in there and perhaps in the sides there is speakers, perhaps in the cushions there is massagers that also double as 4DX technology so you can either get soothed or punched at the same time as The Hulk, and it is even possible there is a console in the arm rest like Captain Picard's chair that lets you control all the lights in your house and the thermostat and theres a button you can press that just has Popeyes deliver an amount of food to your house. The two pathways to getting the exact couch I have described are you are directly responsible for thousands of human deaths or you create like, Scrubs. I kind of expect Bill Lawrence has a more tasteful couch than this, he seems like a reasonable guy, but he could for sure snap his fingers and that's in his house.
Thank you for reading my big couch email! If you would like to find out about something, tell me and I will try to already know about it.
Love,
Ryland Duncan