Shark information

Hello friends,

I am telling you about sharks.

Reader & wanted to know about sharks.

Basically, a shark is a funny doggy who live in the water. Despite watching several Shark Week shows it is unclear to me how a shark is not just a fish? Some sharks are little as hell and you would think thats just fish but they’re like no technically he shark and I’m like ok, if its that big a deal call him shark.

Your classic shark is called the great white shark, he’s got a big fin on top of his head and two more fins of a regular kind and then the tail fin and a gigantic mouth of chompers. The thing with sharks is that if they stop moving they die, like they can only breathe if they are moving so I don’t know how they go to sleep. They are very hungry because of their huge and crazy bodies and how they can’t ever lay down unless they're a special kind of shark, a really good evolutionary advantage of sleeping for humans is we aren’t burning very many calories doing it. Poor sharks gotta always be looking for fish and seals and octopuses to chomp away into they tummies, they have a totally biting centric life. Their big way of hunting is smelling things so if they smell some blood they are like “OH BOY! THAT’S WHERE SOME DINNER MIGHT BE!!!” They are open to just chomping whatever and finding out if it is something they like to eat but if they smell blood they are like ok there’s a really good chance...blood is usually inside of dinner.

People are very scared of sharks and you should certainly be careful around them because they are big dumb doggies who find out about the world in a mouth first type of way but it’s important to know that sharks generally speaking are not hungry for people at all, our bodies are not made out of the kinds of stuff that is delicious or healthy for a shark. They mostly want to eat fish and seals because they got the right kinds of fats inside them to be good shark food. If a shark bites a person they are almost always thinking hmmm what a strange looking seal, but hey beggars can’t be choosers, then they get a bite and they’re like “oh what YUCK dude that is NASTYYY this wasn’t a seal at all! Fuck oh god I think I swallowed some of it I’m gonna hurl” and then they maybe swim off. You can survive an encounter with a shark in all kinds of ways, but I don’t know what they are because everybody on the tv shows was already like in a big metal cage or just grabbing tiny sharks or standing on a boat poking at em with sticks. I think probably you just make it clear that you are not to do with anything a shark cares about. I heard somewhere that you ought to punch them on the nose but definitely do your own research before you go and try to punch a shark. They aren’t out here wanting to kill humans in particular but they are also not thinking there is anything bad about killing humans either.

A reason people are scared of sharks is a movie came out in the 70s called Jaws. I have never seen it but it takes place at the beach and the lady is swimming and you are thinking oh boy, a movie about a beautiful lady swimming hachi machi but then it turns out that a shark eats her! Uh oh! The shark named Jaws is eating everybody at the beach and the mayor is like man this isn’t a big deal, I wear lots of cool outfits and sometimes people die, who cares. But Richard Dreyfuss and Roy Scheider care, as well as a man with a mustache and frightening energy. They hunt for Jaws the shark and eventually he eats the scary man but then they blow up Jaws shark. They explode his whole body for the crime of being a hungry boy. Everyone on earth watched this movie and got scared of sharks so they killed like a trillion sharks, you can look it up there was a massive surge in people killing sharks both recreationally and as an official job. That’s such an embarassing way for humanity to be evil! These big old water dogs swimming around wanting to just be alive and chomp on whatever they think might be dinner and a bunch of terrifying aliens are murdering them with spears and bombs because they saw a movie. Tragic and stupid, bad job everybody!

There’s a lot of special kinds of sharks aside from just the basic regular guy. There’s the hammerhead shark whose had looks like a broom with eyes on the end, he ought to be called the broom head shark but everybody always gotta be extreme about shark. Then there’s a saw shark which actually like that’s completely accurate that guy’s head fully looks like a chainsaw, that was nature tossing a massive bone to the designers at PLEX who do animal shape giant robots, like this is a perfect guy to make into a bigger robot’s arm. There’s also a guy named swellshark who can inflate to twice his size and glow in the dark to scare away whoever it is that wants to eat him which is so cool. There’s one million other kinds of sharks like a leopard shark who is shark with leopard color and ghost shark who is weird, I don’t know about them because I have only watched a little bit of shark week shows.

Also on the topic of Shark Week, here is my proposition to Discovery Channel: let me make a Shark Week show. It is going to be 100% a different vibe to the other shows they do but very similar in content. A lot of these shows do experiments where they are like “okay we put a huge amount of frozen chum called a chumsicle into the water to see if sharks would like it and think it is cool. According to our results, they like it.” But then they play lots of dramatic music and stuff and try to make you think uh oh are these scientists in trouble even though straight up They Are Not. They’re totally fine. My Shark Week show would be different because we would not be doing science or getting the sharks to come by with the chumsicle so we could tag them or whatever. This would be 100% just me feeding sharks and giving them a super awesome day. We would have the same camera set ups but the music would be like cute and happy because that’s how the sharks are feeling, you can tell when you’re watching they’re not thinking about like Murder and Hell they’re a bunch of cute doggies and somebody dropped the closest thing they would like to ice cream into the ocean and they’re buzzing around it like oh boy!!! It’s a ice cream for me this is such a special day!!!! Thank you for ice cream I love you!!!!!!! Maybe the experiment would be seeing how delicious we can make it for them? We see if there is a way to make sauces that sharks like, it’s the great Shark Condiment Challenge. Discovery Channel if you want to make a show that costs exactly as much as all your other shows but is 1000 times more fun to watch GET AT ME.

Thank you for reading my big shark email! If you would like to know about something, tell me and I will try to already know about it.

Love,

Ryland Duncan