Milk information
Hello friends,
I am telling you about milk.
Reader Dennis P wanted to know about milk.
Milk is one of a mammal's most essential juices. If you are reading this you probably have either the active or latent ability to make this stuff, it's meant to be kind of like the drink Soylent is for people who use too much computer except for babies, who have a lot more of an excuse (no teeth or knowledge). I guess now that we have stores it's not as big of a deal but if you were alive in caveman times it was probably so helpful that all the food your baby needed was right there on you and you didn't have to simultaneously teach your baby to walk and hunt possums. Obviously milk is hilarious because it comes out of a titty, like it's also perfectly natural and normal etc, you shouldn't be crackin up when somebody's breastfeeding in the park and stuff, but let's not act like we have brains that went to college in heaven. It's very funny that a part of the body that everybody feels some type of way about, a different way per each person possibly but some type, is also the main restaurant for babies. Again it's beautiful/natural/sacred but if you don't like those type things also being pretty silly I have got bad news about the universe.
Possibly another reason the boob thing is so funny is we have got a totally different set-up to non-monkey animals. Usually on other animals instead of two boobs it's six nipples on their tummy, I guess because they have way more babies at a time usually? Sometimes It's a situation called udders which are like kind of a hanging down milk bag with real long nipples, maybe that's the same thing as the tummy situation? It feels incorrect to describe a cat as having udders but I didn't go to veterinary school. Anyways when it comes to animals with udders like cows and goats something pretty kooky happened during history called we are drinking the milk. Basically because their nipples are so huge and grabbable it's pretty easy for a person to grab them and squirt the milk into a bucket. I think that's one of the things we invented buckets for? It might sound rude that we are taking milk from the baby animals, and it is, but we've been doing it for thousands of years so I guess it's normal. Like if milk hadn't taken off back then and right now you started milking your dog you would for sure go to jail for making everybody throw up with your behavior but we have all just decided to be cool about the version with cows.
For a long time milk went straight from cow to mouth but then a french guy invented a way to make it so you are less likely to get sick off drinking that cow nectar, the white honey of the big stoic bee. It is called pasteurizing and it's The Law when it comes to milk, although one time in college I went with a girl who was buying some raw milk and the transaction went down very much like buying drugs from somebody's basement cousin except instead of getting high she got milk that she was more likely to get sick off of for reasons that are still very unclear to me. The normal kind of milk is sold usually in big plastic jugs or cartons with a picture of a missing child on them, to remind you of how lucky you are not to be missing yet. It used to be delivered in glass bottles during history by people called milk men, I don't know why this happened. It is impossible to know what was good about doing this other than somebody having a job and possibly a really smart stray cat knocking over one of the bottles and getting a Prometheus reputation among their peers.
All of these words about milk and I haven't even described the taste! It's fine. It's an okay taste. Some people drink it because it has got calcium in it which is hamburgers for your bones, and why not give them a treat after all they’ve done for you. The rule of milk is if you are a little kid you drink lots of it to grow your skeleton and if you're an adult you maybe have it in cereal or coffee but if you drink a full glass of it in a public setting you are advertising that you are specific in a way that is not beautiful. I didn't invent that rule it's not one of my flights of fancy, you can ask around. I don't mean to shame any of you if you are big milk likers, although realistically if you are reading this you are probably someone I like in real life or would like if I met you, you've got an edge. If the only information I have about someone is they are drinking a big glass of milk it's not easy for me to devise a path from that information to we are having a conversation I feel comfortable in where the term "canthal tilt" never comes up.
Something that is very popular to do to milk is to make it into chocolate milk. It would still be weird to order on a date but if you told someone it was your favorite drink you have a much shorter path to proving yourself to simply be quirky and not part of a weird religion. Somebody once told me that chocolate milk exists because it's the milk from cows that the cows bled into and they put chocolate in to disguise the blood flavor and color, I can imagine this being true based on the harshness of the world but it does also seem like something somebody would make up for attention. There's also strawberry milk which is a bit rich for my blood and I can't imagine what that's meant to be covering up. You can also turn milk into cream which is like…very thick milk and that can be turned into whipped cream which is one of life's big pleasures. You can also turn milk into cheese which is a kind of slime they go nuts for in Europe, or yogurt which is a similar thing but a different vibe. The most special thing to do is ice cream. If you explained everything to a cow telepathically and then gave them some ice cream there is a 3% chance they would forgive you, which is huge considering.
There are kinds of milk you can get without involving an animal which is great news for vegans and people who watched a documentary about milk of basically any length, possibly even just a tiktok. For a long time it was just soy milk which people laughed about and guys trying to ape Dennis Miller would do bits about how you can't milk a freakin bean to their family while they all tried to talk about something else. Then something happened called almond milk which I had some of once and it was great. It turned out later it was vanilla flavored and they do a more milk-tasting one that is merely fine but I was astonished by the potential of almonds! But I suppose almonds kind of suck environmentally on account of they need unbelievable water compared to some oats and now oat milk is the milk people are excited about? I haven't had it but I imagine it probably tastes like oats a little bit. I hope we never stop making new milks, it rocks to invent stuff that you don't mean to kill anybody with. Nobody invent Death Milk!!!!
Thank you for reading my big milk email. If you would like to find out about something, tell me and I will try to already know about it.
Love,
Ryland Duncan