Getting drunk information
Hello friends,
I am telling you about getting drunk.
Reader Claudia T wanted to know about getting drunk.
Basically it is this awesome thing that you should almost never do. I read somewhere that scientists, like real ones who went to a non-online college believe that agriculture was invented by early humans as a means of being able to make alcohol. I'm sure they like, also wanted carrots but I can imagine if nobody had even invented books yet figuring out how to make all the stuff to make beer would be incredibly precious to you, that would be worth accidentally starting society for.
I am operating under the assumption you are from an amish community that figured out they obviously shouldn't have rumspringa if they want anybody to be amish anymore and you're reading this on the secret phone you and your sisters share. In medical terms, getting drunk is the process of slowly poisoning yourself. The trick of it is to stop drinking the poison before you are actually fully poisoned, which can be difficult because it is impairing your ability to think clearly and ideally you're in a fun situation so you are not thinking so much in terms of "what would a doctor advise me to do here" and more "I want to feel good FOREVER and THIS TIME IT'S GONNA HAPPEN."
The good feelings, which are the best reason to be getting drunk, are a lowering of inhibition, a little bit of warmness around the old body, and becoming stupid in a way you like. Maybe doesn't sound like much in today's world of designer super-drugs like Skrunt and Mindseed but if you was basically a monkey who got chased by wolves and bears all day this would be your favorite thing that ever happened and when you got around to inventing religion you'd be very clear that hey, everybody, this is part of it too. This is grandfathered in as something God likes and is cool with.
You can drink without getting what most people would call drunk, if you like. If you are having just one little cup of the poison you can get what people call tipsy, which is the point where your hey turns into a heyy but not yet a full heyyyy. People also call this buzzed I think, I don't know if there's a substantial difference or if guys who buy trucks for reasons unrelated to hauling just need their own thing to call it. It's perfectly alright to only get tipsy if you want to do that, it's not necessary to get drunk in most scenarios, you will rarely be saving someone's life unless you're falling out of a window. That's the one situation where a doctor would say absolutely be drunk.
Here are some of the various kinds of drunk that you can be:
CHILD DRUNK
This is when you are a straight up kid and you are drinking a beer??? I'm defining straight-up kid as including high school even though when you are 17 and drinking you do feel like this is the most adult thing in the world, your red solo cup full of rum and Cherry Dr. Pepper makes you basically James Bond (the main adult). I do not support underage drinking, and now as my famous comedy character Incorrect Advice Tony, the Guy To Not Emulate I'm going to say the first few times you get drunk you are going to behave in highly embarrassing ways even by the standards of drunk people and it's really good for your mental health to be able to write that off as "oh I was a BABY." Like your early 20s is still kind of a baby but like you want a lot more baby factor if you end up remembering any of this, you're going to do something equivalent to calling the teacher mom and that's a lot weirder in grad school you know?
BORING DRUNK
This is when you finally get drunk in a situation that isn't like a bonfire full of other screaming teenagers but rather something like a family or workplace event with drinking and you get really confused because now drinking is just making you kind of tired??? This is how you discover that you have to be in a situation that is already fun to be able to have fun off of drinks. The magic was inside you all along kind of!
JOYOUS DRUNK
You want to be this kind of drunk if you're getting drunk, it is easiest to achieve with a large group of friends after you have all done something that is very good to you, if you drink a bunch of hot hot beers after that you guys will all be singing and laughing. Probably you will all want to say very kind things to each other, the kinds of things you are always thinking but when you're sober theres a part of your brain that is like "it is probably weird to tell your friend that something about his eyebrows makes you feel safe" but when you're this kind of drunk not only is it fine to say that, it makes sense and he appreciates it! He tells you a few other people have said that! You are certain you are always going to be alive.
TWO PALS DRUNK
This is similar to joyous drunk but it's just you and one of your dearest pals drinking and saying stuff like "that's the fucking truth. That's the FUCKING truth!!" If you and your pal have been friends long enough that you have a built a shared language together this can be an especially wonderful way to spend some time getting goofy on the cocktail known as six beers.
TWO LOVERS DRUNK
Pretty similar to two pals drunk except probably you are holding each other and giving each other Meaningful glances. The meaning of these glances…is that you want to freaking kiss…
DRUNK WITH STRANGERS (POSITIVE)
This is where you're at a party where you only know a few people and they're off somewhere probably talking about gifts they could buy for you and because you're very drunk you just start talking to people and it goes really well. This can go particularly well if, like me, you have a face that drunk women instinctively identify as the hole where their stories go, which I want to be very clear totally rules. If you've never had a sloshed lady corner you at a party to tell you a really long story about her family…seek this out, it is one of the fruits of this long life.
DRUNK WITH STRANGERS (NEGATIVE)
Uh oh! You went somewhere you'd ordinarily have a bad time, and drinking during it is NOT helping! Everybody here seems like they know exclusively about stuff you've always quietly filed away as none of your business like what is happening in the world of sport and they are talking about ChatGPT like it's really cool. Oh thank god, a drunk lady has identified your face as the hole where her stories go! Oh no, this story is about her being very racist and she really wants you to tell her she was right!
BLACKOUT DRUNK
I have only had one experience with this, so as far as I know getting blackout drunk is what happens when you are 20 and you do a live show with a very minor internet celebrity who has a straight-up entourage and makes the entire process a nightmare so when you and your friends get back to your hotel room you performatively but still actually drink an entire fifth of vodka in one very long pull. The next morning you wake up in an unfamiliar hotel room without your pants and are informed that you barfed on the ceiling.
ALONE DRUNK
I am given to understand this is pretty much bad news if it is a habit to get all the way fully drunk with nobody around, this can often be hoarder house with mummified cats under stacks of newspaper behavior. I don't want to be too judgey but I just literally have never heard about someone getting drunk alone in a positive context. I love to be surprised though! Maybe the positive alone drunks are keepin their good experiences a secret so nobody tries to come over and horn in on ‘em.
WHO WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ALL MY SECRETS?
Sometimes when you have too many hot hot beers AND you have been keeping a lot of bottled up secrets, you will start telling people who did not ask all about your crushes and various weird things that have happened to you. Unless you have a secret about you killed a guy or something this is technically fine but if you are able to remember it the next morning it will haunt you until the day of your death. Even if you get married to the crush you described you will not like that you blabbed about it in that way, it would literally have been better if you remembered taking your pants off and walking home like that.
Those are some of the kinds of getting drunk but they all lead to a similar destination entitled Hangover. As I mentioned before, you are drinking poison so after the fun part of the poison you are uhhh injured off of it. You might get really bad sleep that messes your whole body up, be totally dehydrated, and have a terrible terrible headache and feel just generally spiritually wrecked. It is a fundamentally humiliating state of being that really encourages a person not to get drunk too often. If you have to get really drunk in order to save the library or something, here is my Perfect Hangover System:
Before you go out, buy three gatorades. Any color is technically fine but I personally believe the body is predisposed to perceive blue liquid as medicine and treat it accordingly.
When you drink, drink exclusively tequila. If I understand the way it was explained to me, the body has an easier time breaking it down than other liquors so it will not be as severe as a Brown Liquor Hangover.
Drink you some little cups of water when you can. It's ancient knowledge for a reason!
If your body indicates to you it would like this, throw up in the bathroom at some point, even if you gotta jumpstart it a little with your fingers. Do not keep a problem inside yourself because you were raised thinking that's important to do. I would not encourage you to just make yourself vomit for sport but when ya tummy talks…listen.
When you get home, drink one of the gatorades and if you have the presence of mind/presence of bodega eat something like an egg sandwich.
If you are really properly drunk I wouldn't encourage you to make your own egg sandwich unless you have some kind of skymall machine that takes care of the whole thing for you without fire or the potential to burn your drunk little fingers. Eat the egg sandwich slowly in case the situation is the only reason you weren't presently barfing is your stomach didn't have anything in it.
Keep a gatorade right next to your bed, the second you wake up just start chugging, don't think, just get the gatorade inside you before you start forming any thoughts about what your day is going to be. If you need the third one in your day its there and if not you’ve got a gatorade which is an ok thing to drink.
If you abide by my perfect hangover system you will probably still not feel like you want to do a lot of sports in the morning but you won't envy the dead. If you made lunch plans with your friend you will be able to make it there and she won't ask if you were just touring the hospital you're going to have to live at from now on.
It's possible to get drunk so often you have what is called a drinking problem, I would recommend non-comedy newsletter resources to learn about this. If you get drunk really often but it's not causing a problem for you or the people around you, congratulations - you have reached the level of Magic Drunk. This is one of the closest things modern american society has to a holy person, and you are allowed to give out as much advice to strangers as you want because even if it's not right it's probably going to be interesting.
Thank you for reading my big getting drunk email! If you would like to find out about something, tell me and I will try to already know about it.
Love,
Ryland Duncan